New name - same me!

Okay, it may seem like a random title for a blog, but that's just the way it is. The idea comes from a tattoo; a tattoo that I may never actually get, but which is always there at the edge of my conscious thoughts and in my imagination. It's a lot like inkblots and ravens - always moving and shifting, becoming something different, but always remaining what it has not ceased to be. And, the truth is I did not really know what the tattoo looked like until recently when a friend was creating ravens from inkblots. I always knew that there were ravens flying in the design, but I could never grasp how they would really look. I did not want them to look exactly like ravens do in reality, but I did not want them to be unrecognizable either. And, I wanted them to represent other things; things that are sacred to me, but are perhaps meaningful for others as well.

I digress, the point is that often the things that I want to write about are a lot like this tattoo. I write about issues that drift in and out of my thoughts and imagination, that matter to me that I may not speak about a lot in the "real" world, but which may be meaningful for other people too.

This is a way for me to start writing again. It may be hard to start writing again. It may be slow and it may be painful, but this is a beginning...

<3>

back at it...

Well eff... Seems I've still got a lot of work to do on my MA thesis. I'm not happy about it; in fact, recently I wonder if I shouldn't just quit. It's not that I'm feeling sorry for myself (though I do wish that my supervisors would quit personally attacking me) it's just that I'm tired of it. I'm so sick of the subject matter, reading over the research, rewriting notes, rewriting drafts - I'm just effing over it. According to my wise friend Joel this means that I'm ready to be done; which means that I will just accept it for what it is, do it, hate it, and move on with my life. Sure sounds good to me... And, yet... I am blogging and NOT working on my thesis. Too bad they do not offer MAs in procrastination :) *sigh*

Okay, back at it...

pmb

"Some things we do for - Love, love, love..."

Just for the record (and as always, thanks for calling me on my shit Jess and Danielle :) I love my lady-friends. I love that some are near and some are far; Nikki once told us that we should always think about our girlfriends when we are considering places to live: "Where will they want to come and visit me?" But seriously, I do understand the desire to share one's life with a partner and of course, I would consider making changes to my life in a committed partnership. I will explain my previous post in two ways 1) sometimes I just miss you guys and 2) perhaps, secretly (not so secretly ;), I'm jealous? Maybe I wish that my relationship was at a point where I did not wonder what the eff was going to happen a year, two years, from now... Who knows, maybe I'm even projecting my personal angst over my own situation onto my lovely friends... Bad me :) Whatever the reason, it is good to know that I have friends who understand that blowing off steam is just that; who know that I respect them and their choices.

xo
pmb

Well eff.

First, you should know that I am in the final stages of writing a thesis that I have been working on for almost three years. I claim three years because I believe that the research stage counts too. And, to boot, my bf has fled (cannot blame the guy, I cannot stand me right now either :) to take a two week rafting trip through the Grand Canyon. So, when I am not thinking about the thesis, I have a lot of time to think about other random stuff. To be honest, this is not unusual, it's just that I would probably just talk about it with Benton normally. Instead, I will talk to you - that is, no one. I don't really think that people read these things. That's okay with me.

Day two:

Yesterday was officially day one alone with the thesis, but it doesn't really count because I met a friend at UBC and talked to her over lunch about, you know, stuff I think about and stuff.

Okay, so I was walking down the Drive this evening and I had a couple thoughts that I want to share. The first is that my girlfriends all suck. No, not as people, and no not in a any ways that make me not want to keep loving and admiring them. But, here's the thing - they all move away to be with partners. Seriously. It started in Calgary and this trend has just kept right up. Honestly, it's dumb. Now, I'm not saying that I will not ever be part of this club, but I haven't done yet. I've moved away, but not for my lovers. I have decided to attend universities and explore new cities, but these things I did for me - selfishly. I'm not claiming that's not sad either. I have moved far from my child and I may move further yet in the future, and maybe even for some one I am in love with. It's just that tonight, when I really wanted to go and see a movie with a close friend - I realized that most of them don't live here anymore. And, the one that does is thinking of moving... potentially because of a partner. So, what's a feminist to think of all this? Are my friends all feminists too? I think that they all self-identify as feminists (please feel free to correct if I'm wrong - oh, if you ever read this...). So, what gives??? Do I just know women that will turn their lives upside down for their partners? (Oh, and actually I want to include at least one man in this rant as well.) Seriously. It pisses me off. Fine, I started thinking about it out of total selfishness, but ... Where have all my girlfriends gone? L.A.M.E.

Next, I was walking down the Drive and I was really pissed off about *see above* and then it occured to me: yoga is really, really expensive. Seriously. It's gone up to $17 for a drop in class on the Drive and I think that's really lame. How much do I have to pay some one to help me stretch - eff that. No wonder I decided to start going to the gym.

So, with all this in mind, I decided that going to a movie was a bad idea (no, not because I would be alone, but because I have work to do!) and I rented 5 discs of BtVS (I LIKE the small "t" - thank you very much!) and I intend to sit in front of them for the next week until the thesis draft is (HOPEFULLY!!!) finished at long last and I am free. We'll see what happens.

PMB

p.s. - Patty Griffin rocks!